Have you ever had the tendency to please others at your own expense?
Have you said “yes” to demands for your time and energy out of fear of offending others? And then became resentful when others took advantage of your time?
You see, as a recovering People Pleaser, I’ve experienced all of these situations throughout my life, and am committed to keeping you from falling into this trap.
People pleasing can become so ingrained that it creates a victim mentality: People who give too much are susceptible to being taken advantage of, and then resentment sets in.
You may first think that this resentment is toward others, but in actuality this is resentment toward yourself for giving away your power.
This change doesn’t happen overnight, but this process could very well change your life forever.
Below is a video excerpt from a discussion on people pleasing at my last Fearless Life Experience event followed by 5 actionable strategies that will help you minimize your people pleasing tendencies:
1) Default to “No”
My mentor Jon Butcher introduced me to a valuable concept called “The Doorman Principle” that I have adopted as my own.
In essence, imagine having a “doorman” standing on guard at the “front door” of your life. The doorman’s job is to make sure that NOTHING and NO ONE gets into your life that doesn’t belong there.
You must consult your “doorman” every time you meet new people, assess a new opportunity, make a big decision, deal with a big challenge, etc. and ask yourself, “Is this person, is this project, is this ”X” right for me? Should I let this into my life or not?”
The key to this concept is to develop a world-class doorman by defaulting to “No”. Most people default to “Yes”. They say “Yes” to every request and every new person that comes into their life completely unconsciously. This leads to burnout and overwhelm.
Going forward, make the commitment to not allowing ANYONE or ANYTHING into your life that doesn’t add huge value or propel you toward your life vision.
One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Warren Buffet – and it perfectly illustrates why the Doorman Principle is so important:
“The difference between successful people and highly successful people is that highly successful people say NO to almost everything.”
I elaborate on this strategy in depth in my #1 Amazon Best Selling Book, “The Fearless Mindset.”
Saying NO to almost everything allows you to say YES to the RIGHT THINGS.
2) Hell Yes or Hell No – nothing in between
The majority of us are suffering from a bad case of “Maybe-itis”, which severely inhibits us from taking action. Saying “maybe” to a request, invitation, new project, or new relationship is a recipe for disaster.
As my friend Rich Litvin taught me, there’s only “Hell Yes” or “Hell No” – there’s nothing in between.
Saying “maybe” is typically a way to avoid offending another person by saying “no”. In the long run though, “maybe’s” almost always end up as “no’s”, prolonging your initial gut feeling and creating a space of indecisiveness (lack of action).
If a new opportunity isn’t a “Hell Yes” then treat it as a “Hell No”. Keeping it around will only distract your focus on the things that are most important in your life.
3) No Jackass Policy
I learned this strategy when I first went through Lifebook.
Under the “No Jackass Policy” you must decide to cut off any toxic relationships that are negatively influencing your life. You must not tolerate anyone to treat you poorly including family, friends, work colleagues, or mere acquaintances.
If you’re frustrated with how your boss or co-workers are treating you then speak up and tell them directly.
We teach people how to treat us. So if someone is disrespecting you then let them know and don’t allow them to do it again.
4) Define what you’re afraid of
Well that’s just ridiculous isn’t it!?!?
I was putting my own happiness on the back burner at the expense of another in an attempt to avoid turbulent waters.
Asking yourself this question is a massive step towards designing a Fearless Life.
Because you’ll realize how silly your fear is, and you’ll easily overcome it by taken the action that is required.
5) Establish and Commit to your Boundaries
What are you willing to accept and what do you refuse to tolerate? Get crystal clear on your boundaries and commit to them.
Ask a close friend to act as an accountability partner for you.
My friends, Sean Stephenson and Mindie Kniss, have no problem calling me out when I’m being a People Pleaser. They help me bring consciousness to this area of my life and challenge me to be my best self.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with helping others. But your emotional, mental, and physical well being must come first. Putting yourself first empowers you to have the greatest positive impact on those around you.
Take a moment to share some of the strategies you’ve taken to overcome your People Pleasing tendencies by commenting below.
Remember, you were born to create the life you’ve only dared to imagine. Now go reclaim your inalienable right to live your life on your terms, and create it to be exactly how you desire.
Live Your Life Fearlessly,
Peter Scott IV – The Fearless Mindset Mentor
Founder, Fearless Life Academy
#1 Best Selling Author, “The Fearless Mindset”
P.S. If you’re highly committed to permanently overcoming your people pleasing tendencies, I encourage you to pick up a copy of my #1 Best Selling Book, “The Fearless Mindset” HERE.